Adolescents in Adult Bodies
Have you ever felt like you're still an adolescent in an adult body?
Or perhaps you feel like you're living your life in the wrong order.
For me, life didn't really properly begin until I was in my mid-thirties. From the age of 33 on, things began to fall into place. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at the age of 33 and two years later I had sufficiently explored my gender identity to begin taking hormones. Both of those things were like puzzle pieces clicking into place, like at last I had understood why my life just wasn't working.
Up until then, I bounced from job to job, from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship. Between my natural relationship difficulties and my determination to try to make life work as the straight woman that I was not, I couldn't seem to avoid falling into really unhealthy relationships. Most of the time, I was with men who had no income and no prospects and seemed to be attracted to the idea of helping them. In my mind I would teach them how to be independent and we would both feel good.
Yeah, that didn't work out so well. I learned that depending on someone else to pay your way in life became an addiction and that their lack of financial resources ended up dragging us both down. I invariably ended up spending money I didn't have trying to support these people and then I had to ask my parents to subsidize my living which meant I was now doing to them what my partners were doing to me and it made a huge mess out of everything.
Anyway, fast forward five years later. I'm about to get my Masters in Mental Health Counseling. I'm not sure what I'm doing after that yet. I didn't get accepted into any PhD programs and I have changed so much in the last two years thanks to working on a crisis line, going to school and exploring my desire to write as well as my desire to do therapy that I'm starting to feel that that's for the best. It doesn't seem like that's what I'm meant to do at this time.
I feel like a teenager because I'm still exploring who I am and what, exactly I want to do with my life, but the problem is that I am not, physically, a teenager anymore. It'll serve me well in my writing about young adults but I feel like I need to get my life together already.
I used to think this feeling of being an adolescent at the wrong time was exclusive to transgender people. As a person who transitioned late in life, I literally felt like I was going through adolescence all over again. My voice changed, I grew facial hair and I had to deal with acne all over again. My basic asexuality didn't change much, but sometimes when my body was flooded with hormones I would feel horny without it being directed at anything. I wanted to experiment with clothing and hairstyles to figure out what was right for me. And most of all, life seemed full of possibilities, too many to figure out how to choose or which path to take.
I was sure other later-in-life transitioners felt the same way, that they too were dealing with the challenges of trying to go through adolescence when you're actually an adult and need to worry about things like paying your bills and don't have as much room to experiment with your life.
I've talked to some of my friends who are not transgender, though, and some of them also feel like their lives are all backwards and out of order. It seems like this is a common trend lately, that people come to decisions later in life about who they are and what they want and for many of us, we feel like we're first starting out long after we were supposed to have it all together.
Usually after writing a blog, I have some tips for people who want to help their kids with the topic of the week. Today, I think that perhaps the pressure to know what you want to do right away is something older people who are starting over for whatever reason share with young people who are trying to decide on high school electives or what college to go to. If you or your kid are feeling this way, here's a couple of things to keep in mind.
Remember you don't have to have all the answers right away. It's really okay to not be sure and try things out. Of course, if you're an older person it's important not to try things in a way that wreck your finances! But still, look into ways you can explore your interests that don't cost an arm and a leg.
Do some things just because. Everything you do doesn't have to be connected to your present or future career plans. Feel free to explore things that interest you even if they don't seem totally relevant to your career path. You never know where something will lead!
Talk to other people in a similar place. Whether you're 16 or 60, trying to figure out your life by yourself is no fun. Talking to others who are having similar feelings can help you feel less alone and less weird. People in similar situations can also support each other and help each other figure out what the next step is.
So do you feel like an adolescent in an adult's body? Share your thoughts below! You might even get invited to guest blog if you have enough to say!
